Sunday, June 6, 2010

i am a shadow of my former self. ghostwriting my future in between frames of stillshots of vile pornography and kisses on mountaintops.
you met me at a time when i was begging for validation and writhing in my own self-pity.
you met me at a time when i wasn't grown enough to know what i wanted.
things were said.
words were betrayed.
i was the enemy.

in our bubble--
it's us against the world.
honeymoon in italy.
we understand each other like no one else does.
you're my best friend.
i love you.
forever.

but i don't know who i am.
it's a lesson i skipped in between car rides with you and uprooting myself from my long-known home.
it's a lesson i skipped in between my grandfather's funeral and letting a friendship fall apart over circumstance.
it's a lesson i have failed to gain the time to learn.
and i'm angry with myself.
my concrete self-image that lured you in was swapped for concrete love, concrete validation. concrete you. you were there. you were my rock. you were it.

october, the doubt set in like poison from a boy--no, man-- whose lips were soaked in it. each word he spoke was another scar on my brain. it wouldn't go away.
what if you're not actually as happy as you think you are?
spun brain like the eye of a hurricane. i was silent but my mind was on the tendrils of wind whipping around my head.
chaos.

we were the perfect story until i fucked it all up.
we were happy until i made a stupid fucking decision.
we were in love.
we are in love.
we were in love.

i don't know.
anymore, the sound of you rings rusted, oxidized, broken brown metal. you are the quaking of my hand after a skipped meal. your expected moodswings have thrown me for a spin. i don't know how to make you happy.
i don't know how to make myself happy.
creation cannot occur if the creator is in a fog.
and i've spent a year in this dense air.
my lungs are choking for the summer breeze blowing in my face.
but they are greeted each day with the same big black weight floating in and out. recycled breathing.

the only thing i know is that i don't know a thing.

i know i need time.
that's all i can give you right now.
i'm dying, dean.
i can't be your release.
i'm not there.