Tuesday, January 19, 2010

i don't know what to do when my entire family hates me.
when my arrival is met with "no one here is happy to see you."
the wish to smoke a cigarette replaces the wish to hurt anything living.
i itch with hate for the world
while the world itches with hate for me

i just don't know what to do right now.
i'm incompatible with my own genes.

Friday, January 1, 2010

finding the need to be in a life i want to live--
to avoid using all these escapist keys i'm so addicted to
i'm a motherfucking houdini of my own world.

being a part of beautiful things is happiness.

i resolute a detox
starting the year with a sore throat and a full pack of cigarettes
i suppose i'm starting on the wrong foot

last year was still just a day away this morning
now it seems like too long
we must always celebrate these breaks in time
because they tell us we're going forward in some strange awkward way

you've infiltrated everything
everything held sacred

saying our i love yous blindly to the air with our eyes searching the black air before us
it doesn't seem very healthy
everything in moderation
and all those other ultimatums made to make us better.

a drop-drum beat and a glass of something good in front of me
how i began
and how i hope to end

the way you were holding me in the last seconds
made me so scared we were cheering for the end
but when the clocks kept ticking
and the world kept moving
these revelations ever-constant
in creation
surrounded by friends and a head someplace else
i felt the ball drop and the times change and the clicks keep clicking
if they're all right we've got almost three years to live

you tell me that with such a presence in the world how could it end.
i hope to think the same as you
but bad things happen all the time
the world just is as it is
maybe the exceptions are us
but we are still confined to the gravity of everything
and all these natural rules we don't understand
and learn far too late

i'm ready to go.
let's keep this train moving
building these tracks in the direction we choose
only a moment before steel slaps on steel
our hands are forever in danger
but we keep on

happy new year, 2010