Sunday, June 6, 2010

i am a shadow of my former self. ghostwriting my future in between frames of stillshots of vile pornography and kisses on mountaintops.
you met me at a time when i was begging for validation and writhing in my own self-pity.
you met me at a time when i wasn't grown enough to know what i wanted.
things were said.
words were betrayed.
i was the enemy.

in our bubble--
it's us against the world.
honeymoon in italy.
we understand each other like no one else does.
you're my best friend.
i love you.
forever.

but i don't know who i am.
it's a lesson i skipped in between car rides with you and uprooting myself from my long-known home.
it's a lesson i skipped in between my grandfather's funeral and letting a friendship fall apart over circumstance.
it's a lesson i have failed to gain the time to learn.
and i'm angry with myself.
my concrete self-image that lured you in was swapped for concrete love, concrete validation. concrete you. you were there. you were my rock. you were it.

october, the doubt set in like poison from a boy--no, man-- whose lips were soaked in it. each word he spoke was another scar on my brain. it wouldn't go away.
what if you're not actually as happy as you think you are?
spun brain like the eye of a hurricane. i was silent but my mind was on the tendrils of wind whipping around my head.
chaos.

we were the perfect story until i fucked it all up.
we were happy until i made a stupid fucking decision.
we were in love.
we are in love.
we were in love.

i don't know.
anymore, the sound of you rings rusted, oxidized, broken brown metal. you are the quaking of my hand after a skipped meal. your expected moodswings have thrown me for a spin. i don't know how to make you happy.
i don't know how to make myself happy.
creation cannot occur if the creator is in a fog.
and i've spent a year in this dense air.
my lungs are choking for the summer breeze blowing in my face.
but they are greeted each day with the same big black weight floating in and out. recycled breathing.

the only thing i know is that i don't know a thing.

i know i need time.
that's all i can give you right now.
i'm dying, dean.
i can't be your release.
i'm not there.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

my hands they shake, my head it spins.

i don't know how to take care of myself.
there are emotions in my brain i cannot explain in words
and don't want to
because i know they're irrational.
just give me a few days.
i don't know what good that will do, but it won't ruin my night tonight
at the very least.

i am the queen of envy.
let me bow to your every move
and choke myself in your wispy wake
for i am not satisfied with loving me.
give me every extreme. give me all of the world's emotions on a silver platter.
let me suffocate in my arrogance.

i want to be able to say what i want
mostly without saying it

i wish we understood each other
and i fear the worst word
deathly

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

ripped lips

and a wish to stop pretending
that everything's going downhill
just for the sake of a story.
we're beautiful just the way we are
naked and freckled and sprinkled with baby hairs in the most endearing places.
our bodies moving fluidly with the motion
the feel of the jigsaw pieces fitting flawlessly
i am so in love with a boy
he owns my body; not my life.
i own his body; not his life.
we are getting better. collectively.
i know you can feel it. these emotions are genuine.
i want to be your medicine
i know the spots you like to be touched
and the subjects that grate at your nerves
i know your smile when you're lit up with love
and i know the smile you give when it is returned
our lives are chaos compressed into tiny spaces where our brains reside
but when we combine, there is harmony in the cacophony.
the chains link up
the angel hits the high note
the light flashes before your eyes like the first time it ever did
and the world keeps turning
and the sea keeps churning
the mixtures within
alive
and the music swells until it breaks
bursting with such pride
confidence
hidden in the confines of that labyrinth you keep locked inside your chest
like someone's gonna steal it.
i'm here to break you out
i'm here to hold your hand
through every shitstorm we face
together we are stronger

we are writing the most beautiful poem
and you know it
this story's nowhere near its ending
we haven't even hit the climax yet

i'm here for you, my love.
everyday. anytime.
i'm here.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

i don't know what to do when my entire family hates me.
when my arrival is met with "no one here is happy to see you."
the wish to smoke a cigarette replaces the wish to hurt anything living.
i itch with hate for the world
while the world itches with hate for me

i just don't know what to do right now.
i'm incompatible with my own genes.

Friday, January 1, 2010

finding the need to be in a life i want to live--
to avoid using all these escapist keys i'm so addicted to
i'm a motherfucking houdini of my own world.

being a part of beautiful things is happiness.

i resolute a detox
starting the year with a sore throat and a full pack of cigarettes
i suppose i'm starting on the wrong foot
but

last year was still just a day away this morning
now it seems like too long
we must always celebrate these breaks in time
because they tell us we're going forward in some strange awkward way

you've infiltrated everything
everything held sacred
everything

saying our i love yous blindly to the air with our eyes searching the black air before us
it doesn't seem very healthy
everything in moderation
and all those other ultimatums made to make us better.

a drop-drum beat and a glass of something good in front of me
how i began
and how i hope to end

the way you were holding me in the last seconds
made me so scared we were cheering for the end
but when the clocks kept ticking
and the world kept moving
these revelations ever-constant
in creation
surrounded by friends and a head someplace else
i felt the ball drop and the times change and the clicks keep clicking
if they're all right we've got almost three years to live

you tell me that with such a presence in the world how could it end.
i hope to think the same as you
but bad things happen all the time
the world just is as it is
maybe the exceptions are us
but we are still confined to the gravity of everything
and all these natural rules we don't understand
and learn far too late

i'm ready to go.
let's keep this train moving
building these tracks in the direction we choose
only a moment before steel slaps on steel
our hands are forever in danger
but we keep on

happy new year, 2010