Saturday, February 21, 2009

everyone is exactly who they are.

"i'm a million different people from one day to the next. i can change."

when i can,
i want to live free.
take picture of mountains.
tan my skin in the sun of the coast.
abandon base.
couch dive, dumpster hop.
wear the same clothes for weeks at a time.
bathe in rivers.
hop a plane to the east.
confined to nothing.
not even baggage claim.
when i can,
i'm tangling my mouse brown hair into dreads.
stripping my bones down bare.
ribbons on my wrist claim my wishes.
i will escape my family.
i will get out.
i will be okay.
i will sleep on picnic tables on the beach.
i'll be okay.
i'll be okay.

Monday, February 9, 2009

when i awoke

the new definition for the word wallflower.

"Mary Magdalen, she said to me, “This is the pain of being a woman,” and she traced a red line around her breast.
She said, “I’m sorry,” and “that didn’t make me feel any better,” and she started to bleed."

i will bottle these feelings and drink them the nights i can't cry.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

deja vu deja vu deja vu deja vu deja vu deja vu

less is more. less to say is more to say. less to say to you is more to say to them.
it's another family problem.
it's another avoidance strategy.
it's another threat-and-challenge.
it's another defense put up when i thought it was okay to tear them down.
it's another thing to fuck with my head again.

i don't want to deal with this again.
i don't want to sleep to escape. again.
i don't want this to boil down to breakdowns and therapists.

but tales of mockery and insults and the way he doesn't know how to live on the outside,
the way he treats us all like inmates, the way we diagnose him on our own, the way we fight, the way we react.
the way i can't walk downstairs when i want for fear of being stopped.
the way i feel the grip of control at the nape of my neck and the lump in my throat called defiance, the way i can't stop it from shouting out my arguments, my final say, my heartbreaking last line.

"can't we just get along?"
"i don't want to get along with you."