Tuesday, October 7, 2008

i thought we'd passed this point a long time ago.

but apparently not.
i wish talking was still an option. because i am starting to see things from a different perspective. i don't want to be your enemy. but i didn't know what i was signing up for when our lips met. you're the only one smart enough to understand the stupidly big words i throw into the tiniest of sentences. laced with sarcasm, decorated with self-deprecation. i know you got it. and i know you wanted to fix me.
i'm sorry for pushing you away.
at this point all i want is your hand and your lips and the warmth of your hoodies and good memories. i'm so tired of seeing you in the halls and following the code. second period reminds me of you. we've got the same hatred. and there's never a better way to bond.
but i won't let myself feel weak again. and i won't fall to your ways.
it's just so hard.

and you, girl, the way you push and pull drives me crazy. "i'll steal you" was just a joke but now it seems so serious in the dark of my room. there were looks shared today, awkward hands, hugs and double-takes. i don't know how to treat you, now. everything got so solemn since last night. maybe i'll take a leap, saturday. my room is infamous for bad decisions and overly forward moves.

to you: i know you read this. it is not a competition. but it is. i miss your hints and calls. but i'm forcing you out. i'm trying not to care. i want to stare you down from higher ground and pretend i don't know i'm a hypocrite. we both know this is still something so strangely big. i just can't handle it.

"tell me again the part how you didn't feel a thing.
the part how you never actually really ever did."

Thursday, October 2, 2008

you know, boy.

if you just told me you didn't like me, i'd find a way to be okay with that.
it's just these glances and the way you sit close and i just like you so much. i don't think anyone gets it. you are the boy i see in my mind when i close my eyes. the way i dream of the way we talk gives me shivers when i wake up (unless that's just from the cold. i know i'm over analyzing every scene of this movie.) but i know i can't help the way seeing you the way you dress and smile and talk and are, just makes my heart hurt in my chest. i want to show you how much i think this could work. you're the only one i think gets it. everything. i know i'm weird, but i hope you're different enough from me that you can overlook it. this cold weather has me wanting something warm in my heart. that's always been the thought of you but i wish you were more tangible to me. i just wish this wasn't wishes and eleven:eleven and shooting stars and crossed fingers and knock on wood and prayers. i want this and it's the only thing i'm willing to fight for more than myself. this being the way you move and your spider legs and your shyness and your yelling and your voice and your messenger bag and the way every move you make is perfect.
i don't know how i'm going to deal with your no. when all i've been living on for far too long is the idea of your yes.
i guess it's time to move on.
just wish it wasn't.