Wednesday, May 7, 2008

2012; never 19.

yeah. i'm going to ask you for answers. i'm going to ask you "why me?" i'm going to want you to be by my side because i need that space filled. it gives me comfort.
if this is asking too much, speak up now.
i'm going to break your heart. i will take and disobey every piece of advice. no matter how many times you say it's all going to be okay, i'll still leave that message in your inbox, that voicemail on your phone, that word on your heart that i don't believe. that i am most lost when these things surface. that i am so petrified it's not going to be okay, that i can't occupy this time with something meaningful, because what could be? why would it be?
i'm going to kill you. if you still want to go on, be my guest. this is a fair warning.
i am going to collapse myself into you when the going gets rough. i'm not going to be strong enough to listen to your problems, at least not now, because i am far too unstable in my vacuum-sealed hell right now. being common may be the worst, but i can barely see the options.
but by all means, go on.
if you like the feeling of being a crutch, if you like the way your heart will hurt when you see me collapse again and again under these undetermined forces, these thorns in my side, these diseases in me, go on. if you want the uncertainty of my mind, the unknowing that silence and dark days brings, the self-centered attitude, the heart of a two year old i've got in my chest. it was a bad implant, but you certainly got a good catch.

i am best in drowsy weather, self-pity, salty shirts, un-understood text, heartbreak of others, and the sporadity of the moment. i am best in hindsight, in retrospect, in old memories. i am best left alone.

so if you really want to say you love me, go ahead. just know what you mean. just know what you're getting. just know i can't.