Saturday, October 27, 2007

do you need anybody?

i just need someone to love.

sometimes when i pop bubbles, smoke comes out.

"you say you wanna revolution? well, we all wanna change the world."

my mind's caught in this song so i'm just gonna leave you with notes from the phone.

everything you couldn't do this year.
it's all gonna be okay, kid. don't let yourself think in absolutions, it only brings you down. slept for 12 hours in some whacked out dreamland with red cats and halfway real helicopters. everyone has a flaw or seven and it's okay. it's perfectly fine. i'll watch all my friends rush to the scene, of philosophies, i don't agree.
not even the suicide hotline will pickup for me. i feel like ive been living in a cloud and i wont get out until i've defeated all the demons inside of me. but i am weak. and my head can't handle much right now. and i fear for the future, like everyone else. how many tylenols does it take to overdose? i want to know. i gotta get my head right again. dont know how. ive used up all the blueprints.

but i'll be okay, oh, god, i'll be fine. just keep talking.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

"skeptics and true believers"

"my old friends have been dropping like houseflies."
shit hit the fan. repeating scripts now. feel a little like i did it for the wrong reason but i freaked and went a little too far. but it's okay. i'll be okay.
almost here. don't really want to talk to anyone right now. don't know what to do.
i have no plans for halloween because i was turned down again by someone i thought would stay with traditions if nothing else.
i now realize i have no friends where i live, who actually like me.
kind of a shock when it hits you in an instant.
don't make me revert to my old ways, brain. i'll have to give up on you like you did to me.

ps i want my scarf back.

Monday, October 22, 2007

"that age where everything seems vaugely life or death."

looked at the sky today and it started to rain.
dreamt of that kid in the lunch room having the same likes as me and we kissed and it felt electric.
when i woke up it felt so real.
stayed under the sheets and pretended someone was under there with me. i mean someone was just not who i wanted it to be.

when you talk of dinosaurs and the future, puzzle-piece brains and vials of chemicals,
it just gets me so down, kid. i don't know how to tell you.
makes me feel more like a little speck than usual.

for all my spelling errors and whacked out thoughts i hope i do not scare you away.
i used to think i was a good writer but then i looked around and i was just like everyone else, with a few different words pushed in different spots.

you text me from the front seat because you know talking's not okay. i feel small around you. but not the kind that crushes your little insides with sorrow, the kind that tells you that you have a protector with open arms ready to catch you when you collapse. but it's not love, oh no, love would kill me. it's more of a hug-and-smile kind of thing, a catch-and-release friendship. thie fall isn't going to be the same, i can feel it, but i'm hoping at least the world will change again. i need it to or i don't think i'll have any more hope in my little head.

it turns out all my friends are already someone else's friends.

i don't have enough experience to be telling you. i just want to live here and think about the way things are and will be. that's really all.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

driving in a car through tennessee with earbuds taking me far far away from the back of this truck.

so nervous, bordering the lines of insanity. venom, shot under my skin. you can feel the poison slither and spread, thick and heavy in your blood. it consumes your brain, choking it with its fist of addiction until it squeals out a last submissive cry, and is lost. your veins shake then, mimicking your heart beat, only far less comforting and far less steady. knees buckle, hands quiver, and you are lost, so lost to this disease you've inflicted.

feeling a little bit lately like everyone who ever offered compliments on anything, just didn't know what better things were out there. a little stupid but so am i.
i can never measure up. it's all this chicken scratch that my brain spews out, it's ruining me. it's just. not. good. enough.

i want to crawl inside the things i dont know.

lately it's all for myself.

i'm crying at everything.
when the tv turns on it feels like everything is gonna be a-okay.
is it possible for something to mean nothing?
all i really want is a genuine smile at 7:10. something to ward the zombies from the morning walk away. i don't think i'll ever get it, there's always a grimace hiding somewhere in there.

"where the sewage of youth drowned the spark of my teens"

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

throwing up rainbows is harder than it sounds. (and more disgusting, i suppose)

"and if my conscience is a cricket then my heart is a wasp."

looking for company in lyrics, oh, i can't find any anymore. maybe i have to write my own.
i trace my lips with the nail on my pinky finger, the delicate skin ripples and creates mental sensations. i pretend it is you because i can't believe anything else anymore.
seperated mind from heart one day and found there was nothing left in the middle.
i don't think i can do this anymore. but if i drop it, what'll i do? oh, god, what'll i do?
no more notes from the phone unless i am in dire need of health. no more.
been down lately but getting back up on air balloons of company. gotta stay grounded but not like that.
talking about myself like it's going out of style. according to the magazines it is.
my stomach is too full to hold anything else tonight; that bullshit pie you've baked will have to wait until tommorrow.

"oh yeah im sorry for breaking your nose
and my heart
and that promise
and your dream"

re-addicted to the skies above; please, feed me no more of your lies, my love.
you are a dissapointment. i am too but a different kind.

no i am not talking about whatever you think i am. hate crimes rampage on in my mind against those rebelling thoughts that manage to get the hell out of dodge.
i dont understand but neither do you. so why was it written.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

bound to get caught.

cancer of the thoughts. you're always thinking about changing things. now you've got a headache from all the quiet noise,
haze. head pressed against the glass of the window, barely comfortable but isolated easily. observer with no plans. "this is not going to work out." did you plan on it?
just looking for my match. just looking. not buying.
"i can hardly stand living but i'm afraid to die."
when did it get like this.
I don't write much from the heart nowadays. severed the vein that runs through my body from brain to heart. they don't work like they used to.
dirty and down. eastcoast happiness can't really be called happiness.

this all looks wrong. i want to erase everything.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

you wish you had one.

excuse my naivette, but I don't get why everyone has to be fighting with each other. it seems like all the friends I've chosen in school just so happen to all be mortal enemies with each other. tremendous. I'm teetering on the edge of consumable loyalty, or being nice to whoever is nice to me. I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it.
the scabs have returned, get ready for a new wave.
I lagged behind, and you got ahead.

what else I'm trying to do with my life:
replicate the infamous fiveohfourplan hoodie with a small amount of success.
writing pages of absolute uselessness.
filling my locker up with pictures of drummers, jason schwartzman, and polaroids of the beach.
ignoring threats.
fanning in on tom conrad's photography skills.
failing gym class (it was expected, honestly)
lying upside down. missing the jungle gym days. wishing I'd kept them in my head longer.
dropping friends like flies.
saving up my pennies for something I know is coming.
trying not to give up on you.
&writing poetry on my arms. a verse from my wrist:

And the first rude sketch that the
World had seen
Was joy to his mighty heart
'Till the devil whispered behind the leaves,
"It's pretty, but is it art?"