Sunday, September 30, 2007

it's easy to be broken but it's harder to be fixed.

fucking up is like a pasttime by now. it scares me that I was all ready to run away last night. oh, pity the silly little spoiled girl with the heart of gold.
mending relationships with rotten thread; they're bound to break again.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

blogger #0102835979340621184

I boarded up all my mirrors today because I am sick of looking at myself.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

we swore this ship would never go down.

I've been mourning the losses of old friends too much lately.

"I don't even care what she did to me, I just miss her."

forever submissive. diseased brain, infected words.



in other news I got food poisoning from ice cream. how crazy is that.

Sunday, September 23, 2007

I am aware of myself; (passerby nerves, the common words)

I feel like I've been sweating out a lot of things lately. my brain is stuck on repeat-play on a song about nothing. Ive been more shaky this weekend than any of my worst days combined, and it's all for nothing. I've been saying I'll take a shower for the past five days. I'm so disgusting sometimes.
I wish this could be written. But I can't express right. skeleton nerves; the sad thing is that it's true most of the time.
still reeling from the attacks on my self. you don't know the dependency issues I have with your words.
I love it when I feel close to you. it makes me feel less like i'm on the pier at high tide. I know I'll be safe but the water rises enough to get my mind to overwork it.
stuck in fine gear. not like the art.
(make me feel less like one of a million, make me feel more like one in a million.)

"in mexico people wear hummingbird amulets around their necks to show they are searching for love. here people pretend that they aren't. searching."

your ninth inning conscience has gotten me giving up on you closer to the snack break than ever.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

west never gave me this bad feeling before I knew about the coast.

weirdest life vibes. nerves are finally settling after the bomb of the first day of school has been detonated. talking to different people about different things. but I still keep true to myself and wonder if they really like me or I'm conversed with out of neccessity.
oh well. listening to brand new a lot lately which has been advised as bad for my mental health. writing more notes on the phone than in my brain. not much to say otherwise.

more notes from the phone, as written while watching some skin deep modeling show. that has nothing to do with them though. my brain doesn't remember writing these. this is all backup ammonition.

"toothpick between my teeth. I am contemplating life. commercial breaks in reality, you are the forgotten movie trailer. limited edition. you look too young to be here. the hair flip strategy (mentality). undercover insults will lie underneath my words and between my teeth until the day I die. sometimes you get a little too overdramatic. promises like water. I do not hear your words and forget what i say. the preshow. Im only shooting from the hip now, i guess. whatever that means. I never bothered to ask. two mistakes in a group. you are the third worst; not the bottom two but less loved all the same. your tv lies. the scripts are flawed. compress it to an hour long (special!). i spend too much time looking in the mirror and I have paid for it with my life. eating disorder without the disorder. gossip on your tounge and you live through your mouth. you're always fighting something. your lips lie. brooklyn accents, brooklyn haircuts. death before betrayal, tattooed on your back. you're smearing your eyeliner now. there is nothing profound resting in these words. I swore I'd never share them. you live on the coast but you live like the midwest. you are out of place and everyone knows. sleep in a dream. close those eyes.

I fall in love with boys with curly hair in brooklyn vintage shops. I fall in love with boys with beards and glasses, intellectual facades. I fall in love with you walking down your street next to your bicycle. I miss you, even if you were all in my mind.
I fall in love with life when it bothers to fall in love with me.

I had a panic attack in first period today. it was surreal.

Friday, September 14, 2007

so pack up the bags to beat back the clock.

I miss you, I'm going back home to the west coast. I wish you put yourself in my suitcase.

I'm really having trouble with being who I am at the moment / as of late. I've been trying to find it in books and underground songs, but the wires don't connect right with anything. the blue goes with the red when I want it to go with the blue, but when the blue goes together, the red misconnects with a yellow. I've been counting calories lately and I feel a little stupid for that. I'm getting reassurance from my friends when they'll give it up, but they have lives and I understand. I've been having to put off my plans for a lot of people lately but I guess I'm okay with that. I can't concentrate on anything and I can see people's dissapointment in me. I called the 1800suicide hotline jsut so I could talk about my problems but I lied about them all. it didn't get a thing off my chest, only worked to build it up. I can't wait for november when I can feel safe. I'm just so confused with this whole life around me.

"Oh, man," said Dean to me as we stood in front of a bar, "Sal, we got to go and never stop till we get there."
"Where are we going, man."
"I don't know but we gotta go."

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

new addictions and old habits. everything is conscious in the light.

notes from the phone.

it is 5am and my head is swimming. a lot is happening in my brain and i can't figure out just what tobelive-- the dream seems so real and the real seems barely there. I want people to think of me and I don't truly care how. is there a disease in my brain or is it all in my head? I'm going to ask today, i swear i will.
it's this new thing where I feel like I've seen and done what I want to--i truly can't tell if i'm wrong or not. nothing profound is coming from this and i'm preaching from my deathbed anyways.
i am jealous of all your lives (i'm considering theft rather than observery.)i've regressed, i know, but maybe i'll feel better after it's all said and done (or i'll just be scrambling.)

in other news, I am going on antidepressants. call the media!

Sunday, September 2, 2007

"this is your life and it's ending one minute at a time"

I feel almost alive half of the time; the other half just feels like im faking it.

my life is changing in little pieces and little ways I barely notice until I wake up.
I am not in the mood. I never am. I try too hard, I know.
your profound brain's been read. fear the reviews.
stay true. stay young.

I am losing my wit and finding no cure.
everything's been copied and pasted and done before. I'm getting so sick of everything and everyone.
I know I've been distant. It's done for a reason.
I can't think anymore. I've lost my mind.